You Do Not Pick Partnerships Based on Pleasure

You pick partnerships based on purpose.

It got me thinking...

As I sat in my favorite café, I couldn't help but overhear the conversation at the table next to me. A group of women dissecting their love lives as if they were on some emotional autopsy table. One of them said, “It’s just that we have so much fun together!” And it hit me; while fun is great, do we really pick our partners based solely on pleasure? Or is it deeper? More purposeful? The truth is, you don’t pick partnerships based on pleasure; you pick partnerships based on purpose.

I see it all the time. People come into my (virtual) office, baffled by why relationships that seemed so exciting in the beginning have fizzled out or grown cold. They often confuse initial pleasure; the fun, the chemistry, the thrill, with long-term compatibility and purpose. Let’s break down the science behind it and explore why successful relationships are built on more than just good times.

Neuroscience shows that when we first meet someone, our brains are flooded with dopamine; the "pleasure chemical" responsible for that initial rush of excitement, butterflies, and attraction. It’s nature's way of saying, Hey, pay attention to this person. But while dopamine drives short-term pleasure, it’s not the glue that holds a partnership together. That’s where purpose comes in.

Purpose in relationships is built on shared values, long-term goals, and emotional depth; things that engage oxytocin, the "bonding hormone." Oxytocin is released through acts of trust, mutual understanding, and shared life experiences. The deeper the bond, the more secure and purposeful the relationship becomes. It's about growing together and supporting each other’s personal and collective goals, rather than just seeking momentary pleasure.

Let’s talk about a client I’ll call Edith. She came to me with one question: Why do all my relationships burn out so quickly? Edith was always drawn to partners who made her laugh, gave her thrills, and made her feel alive. But after a few months, she’d lose interest or they’d hit a wall. In therapy, we explored how she was choosing partners based on instant chemistry (dopamine spikes) rather than thinking about long-term compatibility or purpose.

After a few months of self-reflection, Edith met someone new, but this time she was different. Instead of focusing on the excitement, she focused on shared values and goals. They both wanted the same things in life; family, a stable career, and emotional growth. The relationship had its exciting moments, sure, but it was built on something much deeper. "It feels like we’re building something together, not just having fun,” she told me later. That’s purpose.

On the flip side, there’s Matt, who came to me in a long-term relationship that wasn’t working. His relationship had a strong foundation of shared values from the start, but lately, they had been stuck in routine, lacking the fun and spontaneity that once sparked joy. This was a case where the purpose was there, but the pleasure had faded. Together, we explored how to reignite that dopamine with small, deliberate actions; surprise date nights, spontaneous trips, or simply showing up differently. It turns out, a relationship built on purpose can always find ways to bring back the pleasure when needed.

Here’s the thing: Pleasure isn’t bad, it’s just not enough to sustain a meaningful partnership. Studies show that couples who align on values, life goals, and emotional support have longer, happier relationships. Purpose drives connection, resilience, and mutual growth.

In the end, the relationships that last aren’t the ones filled with constant highs and fleeting excitement, they're the ones built on shared journeys, dreams, and a sense of working toward something bigger than yourselves. Pleasure fades, but purpose endures.

It’s like choosing between fast food and a home-cooked meal. Fast food might satisfy you in the moment; it's quick, easy, and indulgent. But it leaves you hungry again soon after. A home-cooked meal, on the other hand, is nourishing, takes time to create, and keeps you full. The same goes for relationships: instant pleasure may give you short-term satisfaction, but it’s the purpose-driven ones that nourish your soul long-term.

So the next time you're picking a partner, ask yourself: Is this just a fun fling, or are we building something together? Because at the end of the day, the partnerships that really matter aren't just fun, they're purposeful.

And trust me, that purpose is worth all the dopamine in the world.