"But" is The Pause That Turns Progress Into Doubt

The moment you say 'but,' you build a wall where a door could have been.

It got me thinking...

Why is it that one tiny word, "but", can undo everything that came before it? Every "but" is like a tiny "no" disguised as a yes....I’ve seen this word wreak havoc in relationships, self-esteem, and even personal growth. It’s like a verbal eraser, quietly deleting the part of the sentence that was supposed to matter. “I love you, but…” “You did a great job, but…” “I want to change, but…” The moment that word slips out, it’s as if everything before it was just a warm-up for the real punchline. And maybe that’s why but is so dangerous. It doesn’t just add, it subtracts.

Take my client, Annie. She came to me frustrated with her partner. “He says he supports me, but he never shows it,” she said. “He says he loves me, but he doesn’t act like it.” Annie wasn’t just upset about her partner’s actions, she was upset about the way his words felt hollow. Every time he used the word but, it negated the sentiment that came before it. “It’s like he’s giving me a compliment with one hand and taking it back with the other,” she said. And she wasn’t wrong. The word but has a way of turning what should be a bridge into a wall.

It’s like giving someone a gift and then snatching it back before they can open it. The intention might be there, but the follow-through? It’s lost in the but.

Then there’s James, struggling with self-doubt. “I know I’m good at my job, but I don’t think I’m good enough to get promoted,” he said. “I want to be more confident, but I don’t know how.” Every time James used the word but, he was undermining himself. He was saying yes to his potential and then immediately saying no. His but wasn’t just a word, it was a roadblock, keeping him stuck in the same place.

The science of language backs this up. Studies show that the words we use shape the way we think and feel. When we use but, we create a mental conflict, a tug-of-war between what we want to believe and what we actually believe. It’s a word that divides, that creates doubt, that makes us question the truth of what we’re saying. And the more we use it, the more it reinforces those doubts.

So how do we break free from the but trap? It starts with replacing it. Instead of saying but, try saying and. “I love you, and I need more support.” “You did a great job, and here’s how you can improve.” “I want to change, and I know it will take time.” The word and doesn’t erase what came before, it builds on it. It creates space for complexity, for nuance, for growth.

One of my clients, Helena, found this shift transformative. She used to say things like, “I’m proud of myself, but I could’ve done better.” When she started replacing but with and, everything changed. “I’m proud of myself, and I know I can do even better next time,” she said. “It feels like I’m finally giving myself permission to be both proud and ambitious.” That one small change in language made a big difference in how she saw herself.

It’s like planting a tree and watering it instead of cutting it down. The roots are already there, you just have to let them grow. And maybe that’s the power of changing one word. It’s not about denying the challenges or the complexities, it’s about honoring the truth of both. So the next time you catch yourself saying but, ask yourself: what am I really trying to say? Because the words we choose don’t just reflect our thoughts, they shape them. And with one small shift, you can turn a but into a bridge.