Sometimes You Have to Be Selfish to Be Selfless

Sometimes, giving yourself space isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity.

It got me thinking...

There’s a statement that often raises eyebrows: “Sometimes you have to be selfish to be selfless.” It sounds contradictory, like saying you have to take to give. But what if I told you that this paradox is one of the most psychologically sound principles for maintaining healthy relationships and mental well-being? It’s not just about self-indulgence, but about self-preservation in a world that often demands more from us than we can give.

In my practice as a therapist, I’ve seen clients struggle with this concept. They're taught from a young age to be givers, to put others first, and to sacrifice for the sake of those they love. And while that sounds noble, the truth is, burnout, emotional exhaustion, and even resentment can creep in if we don’t draw the line.

According to studies in psychology, self-care is a crucial part of maintaining mental health. Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneering researcher on self-compassion, highlights the importance of putting yourself first sometimes. It’s like the oxygen mask rule on airplanes; you can’t help anyone else if you’re passed out from lack of oxygen. Self-care, a form of healthy selfishness, helps replenish our emotional reserves, allowing us to be more present and generous toward others.

Research also shows that when we don't take time for ourselves, we can become emotionally overwhelmed. When you’re running on empty, giving to others can feel like a chore rather than a genuine act of kindness. It’s like trying to pour from an empty cup; you have nothing left to give.

Take Lisa, a client who came to me struggling to balance her demanding job with caring for her ailing mother. She was on the verge of emotional collapse because she felt guilty for even considering taking time for herself. “I can’t be selfish right now,” she said, “my mom needs me.” But over time, the emotional toll became so great that she ended up resenting the very person she loved most.

Through therapy, Lisa learned to implement small moments of self-care; whether it was a 15-minute walk or a brief coffee break with a friend. These acts of "selfishness" allowed her to recharge and show up more lovingly and attentively for her mother. The lesson? Sometimes, giving yourself space isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity.

It’s not just about spa days and self-indulgent escapes, though. The psychological foundation of this principle lies in boundaries; a skill that, when well-practiced, allows us to care for others without losing ourselves in the process. Clinical psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud, co-author of Boundaries, emphasizes that setting clear emotional boundaries is essential for sustainable giving.

Sam, another client, had difficulty saying “no” to his friends, colleagues, and even distant acquaintances. He felt his self-worth was tied to how much he could give to others, leaving no time for himself. Eventually, Sam's generosity became less about kindness and more about obligation, leading to resentment. He was trapped in the belief that being selfless meant being available 24/7. Over time, setting boundaries ( saying no when he needed to) was the ultimate act of selflessness. When he wasn’t spread so thin, the moments he did share with others became more meaningful.

It’s like being a sponge: when you’re too soaked, you’re too heavy to be useful. You need to wring out the emotional excess to soak up more water and continue being effective.

We often associate selfishness with ego or narcissism, but let’s reframe that. Selfishness, when practiced in healthy doses, is about self-awareness. It’s about recognizing when you're near burnout and taking steps to nurture yourself, so you don’t transfer your emotional baggage to the people you care about. This form of "selfishness" isn't about hoarding your energy or withdrawing from the world; it's about making sure you’re in a place where you can give without feeling like you're sacrificing your own well-being.

In fact, according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, basic self-care and personal fulfillment must be met before we can even begin to consider altruism and self-actualization. This isn’t just touchy-feely advice, it’s a cornerstone of human psychology.

It’s like driving a car. You can’t keep going forever without refueling. You may want to get to your destination faster, but without stopping for gas, you’ll eventually break down on the side of the road. Likewise, you can’t give endlessly to others if you don’t refuel yourself.

So, if you’re feeling selfish for taking time to care for yourself, remember that it’s actually a strategic move. Self-care allows you to be more generous, more available, and more present for the people you love. In the long run, taking care of your needs is the most selfless act you can commit.

After all, when you treat yourself with the love and care you deserve, you set a foundation for the kind of giving that is sustainable, fulfilling, and, most importantly, genuine. And isn’t that what true selflessness is all about?