People Who Lack Accountability, Take Every Piece Of Feedback As An Attack

Feedback or fencing?

Growth over ego?

It got me thinking...

At first glance, it sounds like something you might hear from a sassy friend over cocktails, but as a therapist, I’ve come to realize there’s a scientific truth buried in there. It’s like we’re all walking around with invisible shields, ready to deflect any feedback that doesn’t paint us as perfect. But why does it feel so personal?

Let’s get real for a moment; feedback is essential. Whether it’s in the workplace, our relationships, or that casual comment from a well-meaning friend, feedback helps us grow. But for those who struggle with accountability, feedback doesn’t feel like a gift. It feels like a grenade. But why it feels like a personal attack?

When we receive feedback, our brains immediately start processing it, and for some, this triggers the same areas that light up during physical pain. Yup, the brain reacts to emotional pain, like feeling criticized, similarly to how it reacts to a stubbed toe. The amygdala (our trusty “danger detector”) kicks in, sounding the alarm: “Incoming! Criticism detected!” 

The problem is, for those who lack accountability, this feedback doesn’t hit their “Let’s improve” button. Instead, it’s interpreted as an attack on their very identity.

It’s not that the feedback is inherently harmful; it’s how we receive it that makes all the difference. People who are comfortable with accountability can separate the action from their self-worth. But if accountability isn’t your strong suit, every critique feels like a verdict on who you are rather than what you did.

Take Jessica, for example. Jessica was a smart, ambitious woman who came to me because she felt like every interaction with her boss was a battle. He’d give her feedback, and suddenly, it was as if he had insulted her entire career. One day, he casually suggested she take a second look at a presentation slide to clarify a point, and Jessica spiraled. “He thinks I’m incompetent! He’s questioning my abilities! I work so hard, and this is the thanks I get?”

Was her boss attacking her? Nope. He was just asking for a tweak on one slide. But Jessica’s inability to hold herself accountable, to say, "Hey, maybe there’s room for improvement", made every suggestion feel like an accusation. The truth is, when we don’t take ownership of our actions, we become defensive to protect our egos. But why we armor up?

Research shows that people who are low in accountability often have a fragile sense of self-worth. They rely on external validation to feel good about themselves, so when feedback threatens that validation, their defenses go up. It’s like wearing emotional armor, but the catch is that this armor doesn’t protect you from harm; it just prevents you from growing.

In fact, studies show that people who frequently reject feedback end up stunting their personal and professional development. Instead of learning from their mistakes, they repeat them, over and over. It’s the psychological equivalent of driving in circles, wondering why you’re not getting anywhere.

What is the difference between people who thrive on feedback and those who crumble under it?

Accountability. When you take responsibility for your actions, feedback becomes a tool for growth rather than a weapon. It’s like shifting the narrative from “I’m being criticized” to “I’m being given a chance to improve.”

Accountability isn’t about being perfect; it’s about owning your imperfections and using them as stepping stones. When we embrace accountability, we understand that feedback isn’t a reflection of who we are, but of what we can become. We stop confusing “you could improve here” with “you’re a failure.”

Sure, nobody likes hearing they could do better. But accountability means seeing feedback for what it is; an invitation to grow. The real question is, do you want to be right, or do you want to be better?

At the end of the day, feedback isn’t your enemy. It’s not a personal attack, but a mirror that shows us areas where we can improve. People who lack accountability will always feel like they’re under siege because they can’t separate their actions from their self-worth. But when you embrace accountability, feedback becomes less about what you did wrong and more about how you can get it right next time.

So, the next time someone offers you a piece of feedback, before you reach for that emotional shield, ask yourself: “Is this feedback a threat to who I am, or is it a chance to become a better version of myself?” The answer, I promise, will change the way you see every critique....and maybe even yourself.