People Who Can't Communicate Think Every Disagreement Is An Argument

Thinking every disagreement is a personal attack,

and instead of listening, you start defending.

It got me thinking…

Is it a debate or a dual?

It’s like, suddenly, instead of having a conversation, we’re suiting up for battle. Shields up, swords drawn, ready to defend. And let’s be honest, we’ve all been there; when someone disagrees with us and it feels less like a differing opinion and more like an ambush. But why does it feel this way?

As a therapist, I’ve seen it time and time again: thinking every disagreement is a personal attack is the fastest way to turn a simple conversation into emotional trench warfare. And science backs it up. The human brain is wired to detect threats, and when we perceive one, whether it’s a tiger or someone disagreeing with us, the same fight-or-flight response kicks in. Our heart rate increases, our body tenses, and we’re suddenly in “defense mode.” But here’s the kicker: not all disagreements are threats. And yet, our brains can trick us into thinking they are. But why do we go defensive?

When we’re unable to communicate effectively, especially in moments of tension, our emotional brain takes over. The amygdala, the part of our brain responsible for detecting danger, gets activated, and suddenly, that innocent comment your partner made about how you always leave the dishes in the sink? Yeah, your brain interprets that as: "You’re lazy and inconsiderate. You’re a bad partner!" It’s no longer about the dishes. It's about you.

Instead of listening, truly listening, to what’s being said, we focus on defending ourselves. And that’s the problem. When we think every disagreement is an argument, we stop engaging in the conversation and start protecting our egos.

It’s like this with clients too. I once had a couple in therapy, let's call them Sarah and Mike. Mike would say something as simple as, “I think we should budget better,” and Sarah would instantly hear: “You’re irresponsible with money.” The actual message? "Let’s make a plan together." The interpreted message? "You’re bad at this." Suddenly, a harmless discussion about finances became a full-blown argument about personal worth.

Sarah wasn’t reacting to what Mike was actually saying; she was reacting to her own inner narrative. And here’s the science behind that: our brains are hardwired to seek meaning, even when there’s none. We fill in the gaps of uncertainty with stories we tell ourselves, and more often than not, those stories are fueled by past experiences, insecurities, and fear of rejection. Mike’s suggestion wasn’t a critique of Sarah’s character, but Sarah’s past experiences with money issues led her brain to perceive it that way.

So what can we do to stop this cycle?

Recognize the Pattern: The first step is always awareness. If you notice that every disagreement feels like a personal attack, take a step back. Ask yourself, “Am I reacting to what’s actually being said, or to my own interpretation of it?”

Pause Before Reacting: Science shows that taking even a few seconds to pause before responding can deactivate your brain’s threat response. It gives you time to let your rational brain (the prefrontal cortex) catch up and interpret the situation more clearly. A simple, “I hear you, let me think about that,” can work wonders.

Active Listening: This one is a classic, but it’s worth repeating. When someone is disagreeing with you, try not to think about how you’re going to respond. Instead, focus on truly understanding their perspective. Summarize what they said to show you’re listening, and then share your thoughts.

De-personalize the Disagreement: Not every differing opinion is about you. People see the world through their own filters, and their disagreements are often more about them than about you. Try to remember that just because someone doesn’t agree with you doesn’t mean they’re attacking you.

We all want the same things in life: to feel understood, to have our boundaries respected, and to be close to the people we care about. But thinking every disagreement is a personal attack? That’s the quickest way to create distance. The silent treatment, the defensiveness; it doesn’t get us what we actually want. It just punishes us and widens the gap.

At the end of the day, communication isn’t about winning an argument. It’s about connection. And if we stop seeing disagreements as battles to be fought, and start seeing them as opportunities to understand each other better, we might just find ourselves closer than ever.

So next time someone disagrees with you, instead of reaching for your emotional armor, try something different. Lean in. Listen. Because the real victory is in connection, not combat.