People Who Avoid Their Own Feelings Will Neglect Yours

Emotional avoiders are like those “silent killers” you hear about on true crime podcasts: Except they don’t kill people.

They kill connection.

It got me thinking...

It’s like trying to have a heart-to-heart with someone who’s not even listening to their own heart. How could they possibly hear yours?

This dynamic plays out all the time in relationships, friendships, and even at work.

Emotional avoiders ghost their own emotions, and in doing so, end up ghosting yours. It’s not malicious, but it’s certainly damaging. And trust me, the science backs it up.

Let’s break it down.

Emotional avoidance happens when someone consciously or unconsciously avoids dealing with their own feelings. They push their emotions aside, hoping they’ll disappear. But as any therapist will tell you, feelings don’t just poof into thin air. They have a way of festering, turning into anxiety, stress, or even physical symptoms. According to research chronic emotional avoidance can lead to a whole host of mental health issues, including depression, increased stress, and, wait for it; difficulty connecting with others.

When you avoid your own emotions, you’re not just stuffing them down; you’re also closing yourself off from emotional experiences in general. This means you’re not just numb to your own feelings,you’re numb to everyone else’s, too. It’s like living in emotional blackout mode, where you can’t even see the lights flickering on someone else’s emotional dashboard.

Let’s take Sarah for example. Sarah was a classic emotional avoider. Anytime something difficult came up, whether it was a fight with her boyfriend or stress at work, she’d dodge the conversation like a pro. “I just don’t like conflict,” she’d say in our sessions, “so I don’t really talk about my feelings.”

But here’s where things got tricky. Sarah’s boyfriend, Frank, would often share his feelings, hoping for support and connection. He’d tell her about his worries, his dreams, and how stressed he was about his job. And what did Sarah do? She’d freeze. Her response was usually a quick subject change or a simple, “It’ll be fine,” followed by a swift exit. Frank was left feeling dismissed and unsupported. But the real kicker? Sarah didn’t even realize she was doing it. Because she was so disconnected from her own emotional world, she couldn’t even begin to tap into Frank’s.

The truth is, when you’re not in touch with your own feelings, you don’t have the emotional bandwidth to hold space for someone else’s. It’s like trying to run a marathon without ever training; you’re simply not equipped for the journey.

Here’s the domino effect that happens with emotional avoiders: they spend so much energy running from their own feelings that they have none left to deal with yours. And even if they care about you deeply, they’ll still leave you hanging. Not because they want to, but because they literally don’t know how to engage emotionally.

Research shows that people who avoid their own feelings often struggle with empathy. Why? Because empathy requires you to tap into your own emotional experience to understand someone else’s. If you’ve slammed the door on your feelings, there’s no way you’re going to open it when someone else comes knocking.

The brain has this incredible ability to adapt. When you habitually avoid your feelings, your brain learns to tune out emotional signals. This is where avoidance turns into emotional numbness. It’s not just that you’re avoiding a single emotion, you start to disconnect from all emotions, including joy, love, and empathy. Neuroscientists call this “emotional blunting,” and it’s a real thing. Your brain actually rewires itself to avoid discomfort, which means you’re less able to engage emotionally, even when you want to.

That’s why people who avoid their feelings don’t just neglect the “bad” emotions. They miss out on the good stuff too, like the deep connection that comes from understanding and being understood. It’s not just about dodging sadness or anger; it’s about numbing out on joy, intimacy, and love, too.

So, how do we stop this emotional avoidance cycle? The answer, as always, starts with self-awareness. Here’s what I tell my clients:

Face Your Own Emotions: You can’t show up for others until you’ve shown up for yourself. Take time to sit with your feelings, whether that’s journaling, therapy, or just being still. Ask yourself: What am I feeling right now, and why am I avoiding it?

Practice Emotional Presence: Being present emotionally means listening, not fixing. When someone shares their feelings, resist the urge to change the subject or offer a solution. Just be there, fully, and acknowledge what they’re going through.

Start Small: If diving deep into emotions feels overwhelming, start with small, manageable steps. Acknowledge your feelings throughout the day, whether it’s frustration during a work meeting or joy from a sunny afternoon. By reconnecting with your own emotional experience, you’ll be better equipped to engage with others’.

At the end of the day, avoiding your feelings doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts everyone around you.

So, the next time someone shares their feelings with you, take off the emotional noise-canceling headphones. Listen. Show up. And most importantly, do the same for yourself. Because the truth is, you can’t avoid your feelings and expect to connect deeply with someone else’s. And isn’t connection what we’re all really after in the end?