Find the Person You Want to Be Bored With

The beauty of long-term relationships is often hidden in boring, ordinary moments...

It got me thinking...

We’ve all heard the phrase “Find someone who makes your heart race”, but what if the true test of a relationship isn’t about adrenaline rushes or shared passions, but about finding the person with whom you can be absolutely, unapologetically bored?

I know, I know, boredom sounds like the death knell of romance, right? But stick with me here, because there’s real psychological backing to this idea. We tend to idealize relationships as a non-stop parade of exciting dates, deep conversations, and grand gestures. But let me tell you, it’s the mundane moments, the quiet in-between times, that truly reveal whether you've found a partner for the long haul.

Science agrees. Research shows that couples who can navigate the ordinary, even boring moments of life together, build stronger emotional bonds. In fact, the ability to be comfortable in silence or in repetitive routines without constantly seeking novelty can be a better indicator of relationship success than how you handle the romantic highs.

Studies in relationship psychology show that while novelty and excitement can enhance short-term attraction, long-term satisfaction often relies on shared routines and the ability to enjoy low-stimulus environments together. Dr. John Gottman, one of the most prominent relationship researchers, found that the strongest relationships are those where partners can find contentment in everyday life. This includes doing the dishes, watching Netflix, or even just sitting together without saying a word.

It’s like spending a lazy Sunday on the couch with your partner, both of you engrossed in separate books but completely comfortable with the silence. There’s no pressure to entertain, no need to fill every moment with conversation. And when you finally look up from your book, you share a smile that says, “This is nice. This is enough.”

I had a client, Sophie, who was all about the thrill. She loved the chase, the excitement of a new romance, the unpredictability that kept her on her toes. But once the thrill faded, she’d lose interest, assuming the relationship had run its course. Then she met David. He was calm, steady, and, by her usual standards, a bit… boring. No wild surprises, no grand romantic gestures. But for the first time, she felt something different: peace. She didn’t feel the need to constantly stimulate the relationship or seek excitement. Sophie found herself loving the boring evenings spent cooking dinner, walking the dog, or simply sitting together, both of them doing their own thing.

What Sophie realized was that “boring” was, in fact, a kind of stability she hadn’t known she needed. It allowed her to relax and trust the relationship without the fear that the excitement would fade and leave nothing behind. It wasn’t boring at all, it was reassuring.

It’s like a warm cup of tea after a long day. It’s not the thrill of a shot of espresso, but it warms you, soothes you, and makes you feel at home.

While passion is certainly essential for any relationship, it’s fleeting. What sustains long-term relationships are these moments of everyday comfort. Think about it; life isn’t always exciting. There are bills to pay, errands to run, and sometimes, all you really want is to sit next to your partner in a cozy silence while scrolling through your phone. It’s the quiet moments where true intimacy can thrive, free from the distractions of trying to be impressive or entertaining.

There’s a certain joy in knowing you don’t have to perform for the person you’re with. You don’t have to constantly be “on.” You can be in your sweatpants, hair in a messy bun, re-watching your favorite TV show, and know that your partner loves you just as much in these moments as they do when you’re dressed to the nines.

Another client, Jason, had been married for ten years and came to therapy because he feared the “spark” in his marriage was gone. He and his wife, Sarah, had settled into predictable routines, and he worried this meant they had grown apart. But after some digging, we discovered it wasn’t distance, it was comfort. They had simply gotten so used to each other that the highs and lows of early romance had settled into a calm routine.

Together, we worked on reframing his perspective. Instead of seeing routine as the enemy, Jason learned to see it as a testament to how far they’d come, how they had built a life together that didn’t need constant novelty to stay fulfilling.

It’s like a favorite old sweater: maybe it’s not flashy anymore, but it fits perfectly and keeps you warm on cold days.

To be clear, embracing boredom doesn’t mean you stop putting in effort. In fact, making the mundane meaningful requires a different kind of attention. It’s in the little things, the thoughtful gestures, the daily acts of kindness, the way you check in with each other, even in the smallest ways. Seduction in a long-term relationship isn't about fireworks, it’s about making sure that even the ordinary days have a spark of love and connection.

So, when you find the person you can be bored with, hold onto them. Because they’re the ones who will stand by your side not just during the thrilling highs, but also during the calm, steady, and sometimes tedious middle ground where real life happens.

In the end, love isn’t just about the fireworks; it’s about finding someone you can light a candle with, and enjoy the peaceful glow together.