Control Freak: How Obsessing Over the Uncontrollable Robs You of What Truly Matters

In a world of endless noise, the secret to sanity is simple: confine your opinions to the things you can control, and watch the clutter in your mind clear itself.

It got me thinking...

It was a typical Tuesday when I found myself spiraling into the abyss of opinionated chaos. Scrolling endlessly through social media, engaging in debates that ranged from global politics to the ethics of pineapple on pizza. Suddenly, I wondered: Why do we invest so much energy into things we can’t control?  It’s like spending hours organizing someone else’s closet when your own life’s wardrobe is spilling onto the floor.

As a chronic over-thinker, I often remind clients (and myself) to focus on what we can control. Confine your opinions to live only within the realm of your own choice. It’s not just a catchy phrase; it's a psychological truth. The more we get wrapped up in things beyond our control, the more we rob ourselves of the energy we could use to change the things we actually can.

We are wired for control. It’s in our biology. The locus of control is a psychological concept that refers to how much people believe they have power over the events in their lives. Those with an internal locus of control believe their actions directly influence outcomes, while those with an external locus believe that external forces, like fate or other people, have more power. Research shows that people with a strong internal locus of control are more likely to be successful, happier, and less stressed.

A client of mine, we'll call her Sarah, spent months agonizing over her boss’s unpredictable moods. No matter how much she prepared for work, she couldn’t control his reactions, and it consumed her thoughts. Through our sessions, we worked on redirecting her energy. Instead of obsessing over her boss’s behavior, she focused on what she could control; her work quality, communication style, and emotional responses. Over time, Sarah felt less stressed, more confident, and significantly less distracted by things she couldn't change.

Every time we stress about things we can’t control, we deplete our cognitive bandwidth; the brain’s processing capacity for handling tasks, emotions, and thoughts. Research shows that worrying about uncontrollable events lowers our cognitive performance and increases stress hormones like cortisol, which only makes us more prone to anxiety and even decision fatigue.

In the words of the wise Mel Robbins and her famous 5-4-3-2-1 rule, when your brain spirals into this unproductive space, the best thing to do is shift. This five-second countdown activates your brain’s prefrontal cortex, helping you shift focus from the uncontrollable to the actionable. You can’t control how the world reacts, but you can control your next action.

Mark, another client, struggled with constant worries about global events; war, climate change, and economic uncertainty. While these issues were important, he became consumed by them, leaving him anxious and overwhelmed. Together, we worked on the 5-4-3-2-1 technique to snap him out of unproductive thoughts. Mark began focusing on actions within his control, like advocating for change locally or reducing his personal environmental impact. Over time, he felt empowered and less anxious.

Let’s face it, we all have opinions. But opinions without action are just noisy thoughts. And when those thoughts are focused on things beyond our reach, it becomes counterproductive. It's like standing in the rain, getting soaked, while passionately debating why the sun hasn’t come out.

By confining your opinions to the realm of your choice, you liberate yourself. Instead of getting tangled in what other people think, what other people do, or how the world should be run, focus on the things that you can impact. This doesn’t mean you ignore the rest of the world, but you don’t let it dictate your every mood.

Practicing mindfulness is a great way to remind ourselves to stay in control of our focus. It's scientifically proven to reduce stress, increase cognitive flexibility, and improve emotional regulation. So instead of exhausting our minds with uncontrollable debates, we should direct that energy into our passions, relationships, and goals; things we actually do have power over.

The next time you catch yourself spiraling into an uncontrollable rabbit hole, remember: Energy spent on things you can’t change is energy stolen from what you can. Choose wisely, and let the rest go.