You Cannot Change Them But You Can Manage Them

It got me thinking: how much of our frustration comes from trying to rearrange someone else’s puzzle when the pieces were never ours to fit?

Sitting in my office, I can’t help but wonder: why do we waste so much energy trying to change the unchangeable? It’s like buying a fish and being mad it won’t bark. People, like pets, come with their own wiring. And the sooner we accept that, the better we can manage our interactions, and our sanity.

In psychology, there’s a golden rule: you can’t control others, only your response to them. But that doesn’t stop us from trying, does it? We’re convinced that if we nudge them enough, plead the right way, or leave a trail of passive-aggressive Post-it notes, they’ll morph into our ideal version of them. Spoiler alert: they won’t.

Take my client, Ava. Ava is married to Dan, a man whose favorite phrase might as well be, “Why fix it if it’s not broken?” Ava, on the other hand, is a fixer; of appliances, schedules, and, unfortunately, Dan. “He leaves the dishes in the sink overnight,” she told me, exasperated. “I’ve explained a million times why it bothers me, but he just won’t change.”

So I asked her: “What if the goal isn’t to change Dan? What if it’s to manage how his actions affect you?” Ava looked at me like I’d suggested she start speaking Klingon. But then, I explained the science.

Behavioral studies show that people resist change not because they’re incapable, but because they don’t feel a compelling reason to change. To Dan, the dishes in the sink are a non-issue. To Ava, they’re a blinking neon sign of disrespect. Their conflict isn’t about the dishes; it’s about mismatched perspectives!

So, instead of trying to change Dan’s habits, Ava managed her response. She bought a second sink rack for his dishes and decided not to internalize his behavior. “It’s like I reclaimed my peace without waiting for him to act,” she told me later. And maybe that’s the secret.

Then there’s James, a marketing manager whose boss, Carol, is a walking human interruption. “She barges into my office every 20 minutes, derailing my focus and my deadlines,” he vented. “I’ve told her I need uninterrupted time, but she just keeps doing it!”

James was trying to change Carol’s nature, when managing her would’ve been far more effective. Together, we devised a plan. He set up “office hours” when Carol could interrupt him to her heart’s content. He also placed a friendly but firm sign on his desk: “In Focus Mode: Back at 2 PM!” Carol didn’t transform overnight, but the interruptions decreased significantly. “It’s like taming a tornado,” James joked.

Science backs this up, too. The concept of external boundaries is all about creating structures to protect your mental space. When you manage someone’s behavior, you’re not controlling them; you’re setting limits that work for you.

Now, let’s talk about Melissa, who had a best friend with a flair for drama. “Every conversation is about her latest catastrophe,” Melissa sighed. “I love her, but I leave every hangout emotionally drained.”

Melissa had tried advice, tough love, and even avoidance, but her friend remained the queen of chaos. I suggested she try something different: active management. Instead of giving emotional CPR, Melissa redirected the conversations. “That sounds really tough. How do you think you’ll handle it?” she’d ask. By shifting the focus back to her friend’s solutions, Melissa stopped feeling like a dumping ground. “It’s like I finally set the terms for our friendship,” she told me.

Here’s the thing: managing isn’t about manipulation or control, it’s about maintaining your emotional well-being. The reality is, some people are never going to change. Your nosy coworker will always hover near your cubicle. Your partner may never understand why socks belong in the hamper. Your mom might still call you three times a day to ask if you’ve eaten.

But managing these quirks? That’s within your power. It’s about shifting your energy from trying to force change to crafting solutions that honor your needs.

The next time you feel frustrated by someone’s behavior, remember this: it’s not your job to change them, but you can manage them. And maybe, just maybe, by doing so, you’ll find a little more peace and a lot less stress.

After all, life’s too short to argue over dishes or derailed deadlines.