When You Buy a Dog, Don’t Do the Barking for It

Let the dog do the barking, and you’ll hear the truth in its own time.

It got me thinking....

I often find myself contemplating the curious ways people navigate relationships, especially the ones that involve not just two people, but also an animal. I don’t mean to compare your partner to a puppy, but sometimes, we get so caught up in trying to make things work that we forget the essential rule: when you buy a dog, don’t do the barking for it. I’ve learned that some people, perhaps out of love, perhaps out of fear, tend to do all the barking for their dogs. Metaphorically speaking, of course. They take on the emotional labor of others, often without realizing that the whole point of a relationship, whether with a person, a dog, or any situation, is to allow the other party to do some of the work themselves.

We’ve all seen it: the person who intervenes in every conversation, finishes every sentence, and micromanages every situation in their relationships. It’s a well-meaning impulse, but let me tell you, it’s not always as effective as it seems. In fact, sometimes it only adds to the noise.

Research shows that one of the greatest gifts we can give to the people we care about is the ability to act on their own. When we "do the barking" for others, we deny them the chance to speak up, advocate for themselves, or take the lead. And when we’re constantly taking on others’ emotional work, we inadvertently place ourselves in the driver’s seat of their lives.

Take, for example, one of my clients, Emily. She was constantly defending her partner, Ben, in front of friends and family, covering for his mistakes, and taking the emotional burden on her shoulders. Over time, Emily felt burnt out and unappreciated, and Ben became more passive in the relationship, as he didn’t feel the need to take ownership. Emily’s need to ‘do the barking’ wasn’t empowering Ben, it was silencing his voice and slowly draining her own.

It’s like when you take the leash, tighten your grip, and do all the talking for your dog. You may think you’re helping, but you’re actually overshadowing the point, letting them express themselves. In relationships, this approach, doing all the emotional work, ends up doing a disservice to both sides.

Then there’s Greg, a client who, after years of marriage, was frustrated by his wife, Emma, constantly stepping in whenever a disagreement arose. “I don’t even get the chance to speak before she’s already telling everyone how I feel,” he complained. “It’s like she’s doing all the barking, and I’m just standing there.”

Well, Greg’s situation wasn’t quite as simple as it seemed. Emma was afraid of conflict, and stepping in was her way of managing it. But her “barking” for him wasn’t giving him the opportunity to express his own thoughts or take responsibility for his part in the relationship. Over-involvement in another person’s emotional process can lead to resentment, as it undermines the person’s autonomy.

The real kicker? People are more likely to own their feelings and behaviors when they’re allowed to do so on their own terms. Greg needed to learn how to speak up for himself, and Emma needed to step back and let him do it. It was a delicate dance of giving Greg the space to be his own voice, while Emma learned to trust him to do the barking.

The funny thing about relationships is that we all have a tendency to think we know what’s best for the other person; like we’re their personal therapist or life coach. We swoop in to fix things, offer unsolicited advice, and assume we’re doing them a favor. But what we forget is that by doing all the barking, we’re not allowing them to grow into their own voice.

So, what’s the takeaway here? If you’re in a relationship, whether with a dog, a partner, or a friend, don’t do all the talking for them. Give them the space to find their own bark. It’s their voice, after all, and just like any good pup, they need the opportunity to use it.

And maybe the reason they’re not barking is because they’re waiting for you to realize that letting them speak for themselves is the best thing you can do. So, next time you're tempted to do all the barking, ask yourself, are you really helping? Or are you just taking over a job that they’re more than capable of doing themselves? Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to stop speaking for them and let them find their own voice; whether it’s a bark or a whisper...