The Spark That Lights The Fire Can Also Burn The Bridge

Sometimes the very things that we are most attracted too tend to be the thing that we dislike the most about our partners further down the road.

It got me thinking...

Why is it that the very things that make us fall in love are often the same things that make us fall out of love? Cruel irony... The charm, the quirks, the traits that once felt magnetic; they start to feel like sandpaper over time. It’s like buying a beautiful sweater because it’s soft and cozy, only to realize later it’s itchy and impossible to wear for more than five minutes. And maybe that’s the bittersweet truth about love: what draws us in can also drive us away.

Take my client, Rochelle. When she first met her husband, she was captivated by his spontaneity. “He was so adventurous,” she said, smiling at the memory. “He’d whisk me away on last-minute trips, surprise me with flowers, and keep me on my toes.” But ten years later, that same spontaneity had become a source of frustration. “He’s so unpredictable,” she sighed. “I can’t rely on him for anything. He never plans ahead.” The very trait that once felt exciting now felt exhausting. Rochelle wasn’t just falling out of love with her husband, she was falling out of love with the version of him she’d built up in her mind.

It’s like loving the ocean for its beauty, only to resent it for its waves. The thing that makes it magical is also the thing that makes it messy. Maybe that’s why love is so complicated. It’s not about finding someone perfect, it’s about learning to live with the imperfections that come with the things you love most.

Then there’s Ken, who came to consultation after his relationship ended. “I fell in love with her confidence,” he said. “She was so independent, so sure of herself. It was inspiring.” But as the relationship progressed, that same confidence started to feel like distance. “She didn’t need me,” he said. “I felt like I was just... there. Like I didn’t matter.” What Ken didn’t realize was that his partner hadn’t changed; his perspective had. The independence he once admired now felt like a threat to his need for connection.

The science of attraction explains a lot of this. Studies show that we’re often drawn to traits in others that complement or balance out our own. If you’re shy, you might be attracted to someone outgoing. If you’re a planner, you might fall for someone spontaneous. But over time, those differences can create friction. What once felt like balance can start to feel like opposition. It’s not that the person has changed, it’s that the lens through which you see them has.

So how do we navigate this? How do we keep from falling out of love with the very things that made us fall in love in the first place? It starts with acceptance. No one is perfect, and no trait exists in a vacuum. The spontaneity that makes someone exciting might also make them unreliable. The confidence that makes them inspiring might also make them seem distant. Love isn’t about finding someone who never frustrates you, it’s about choosing someone whose flaws you can live with.

One of my clients, Martha fell in love with her partner’s sense of humor, only to grow frustrated when he couldn’t take anything seriously. “I used to love how he made me laugh,” she said. “But now, I just wish he’d be more mature.” As we worked together, Martha realized that her frustration wasn’t about her partner, it was about her own changing needs. She still loved his humor, but she also needed him to show up in other ways. Once she communicated that, their relationship began to shift. “I stopped expecting him to be everything,” she said. “And that made it easier to love him for who he is.”

The thing you loved hasn’t changed, it’s just become more familiar. And maybe that’s the secret to lasting love. It’s not about avoiding the things that frustrate you, it’s about remembering why you loved them in the first place. Because in the end, love isn’t about perfection. It’s about perspective. And sometimes, all it takes to fall back in love is a little shift in how you see the person standing in front of you.