People With Little to No Self-Awareness See Every Boundary As Betrayal

Boundaries are like that fresh air.

They’re not about pushing you away

They’re about ensuring the relationship stays healthy and balanced.

It got me thinking...

Think about that for a second. Someone sets a perfectly reasonable boundary; “I can’t answer texts after 10 p.m.” or “I need a little space to focus on myself right now”. And suddenly, you’re the villain in their story. It’s like, "How dare you not make me the center of your universe 24/7?" I’ve seen this dynamic play out in friendships, relationships, and even at work. But the root of it all? It’s a serious lack of self-awareness.

Self-Awareness 101: Why It’s So Hard to Look in the Mirror?

Let’s start with the basics: self-awareness is the ability to objectively reflect on our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. It’s knowing why we react a certain way or how our behavior might impact others. Science backs this up. Research from the Harvard Business Review reveals that while 95% of people think they’re self-aware, only about 10-15% actually are. That means most of us are walking around with a mirror that only shows half the picture.

And for those who lack self-awareness, boundaries feel like rejection because they don’t understand the role they’re playing in the dynamic. Instead of seeing a boundary as something healthy and necessary, they interpret it as, “You’re pushing me away. You don’t care about me.” Cue the hurt feelings, guilt trips, and melodrama.

I had a client, Emily, who came to me after her best friend, Lisa, had set a boundary: no more last-minute favors or emotional dumping at 2 a.m. Lisa, a kind-hearted, supportive friend, just needed a little more structure in the relationship, so she told Emily, "I love you, but I can’t always be available. I need to protect my own mental space too."

You’d think Lisa had declared friendship Armageddon. Emily’s reaction? Pure betrayal. “How could she just abandon me like this?” Emily asked in one of our sessions. “We’ve always been there for each other, and now she’s acting like I’m a burden!”

But here’s the kicker: Emily wasn’t betrayed. Lisa wasn’t pushing her away. Lisa was just setting a boundary. But because Emily lacked the self-awareness to understand why she was so reliant on Lisa’s constant availability, she took it as a personal slight. To her, boundaries equaled rejection. What Emily failed to realize is that Lisa’s boundary was a protective measure, not an act of betrayal.

The reason people with low self-awareness take boundaries so personally is rooted in how our brains are wired. According to studies on emotional regulation, when we’re not tuned into our own emotional landscape, we tend to externalize our feelings. That means if we’re feeling anxious, instead of reflecting on why we’re anxious, we look for someone or something else to blame. A boundary? That’s easy to point fingers at.

Neurologically speaking, when someone sets a boundary, the self-aware brain processes it as information: “Okay, this person has a need I wasn’t aware of. Let’s adapt.” But for those lacking self-awareness, the brain sounds the alarm: “Danger! Abandonment ahead!” Their defense mechanisms kick in, and instead of understanding the other person’s needs, they spiral into feelings of rejection.

Then there was Mark, who couldn’t understand why his girlfriend had started asking for more personal time. “We’ve been spending every day together, and now suddenly she needs space?” Mark said during one of our sessions, clearly perplexed. “It feels like she’s pulling away. Doesn’t she love me anymore?”

Mark’s response is a textbook example of boundary blindness. Sophie’s need for space wasn’t a reflection of Mark’s value in the relationship, it was about her need to recharge. But because Mark lacked the self-awareness to see his own patterns of behavior (constant togetherness without breaks), he saw Sophie’s boundary as a threat, not a healthy move. He didn’t realize that boundaries actually help relationships thrive by allowing each person to maintain their individuality.

This kind of reaction, seeing boundaries as betrayal, often follows a predictable cycle. It goes something like this:

Boundary is set: A friend, partner, or colleague sets a boundary, usually to protect their time, energy, or emotional well-being.

Person with low self-awareness reacts emotionally: Instead of processing the boundary as a natural and healthy aspect of relationships, they take it personally. Cue the internal narrative of abandonment, rejection, or “they don’t care about me anymore.”

Defense mechanisms kick in: Whether it’s passive-aggressive comments, guilt-tripping, or outright lashing out, the person starts to react as though they’ve been wronged, instead of understanding the real intent behind the boundary.

Conflict escalates: The person setting the boundary feels frustrated because their reasonable request is being ignored or misinterpreted, and the other person feels “betrayed,” leading to unnecessary drama.

So, how do you stop seeing every boundary as a betrayal? The answer lies in, surprise, surprise, self-awareness.

Here’s what I tell my clients:

Practice Reflection: The next time someone sets a boundary with you, take a moment before reacting. Ask yourself: “Why is this boundary bothering me so much? Is it really about me, or is it about them taking care of themselves?”

Shift Your Perspective: Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re bridges to healthier interactions. Instead of thinking, “They’re shutting me out,” try to reframe it as, “They’re making sure they can show up for me in the long run.”

Check Your Needs: Often, people with low self-awareness have unmet needs they haven’t communicated. Ask yourself: “Am I relying too heavily on this person for my emotional needs? What can I do to meet those needs myself?”

Get Curious, Not Defensive: When someone sets a boundary, instead of assuming the worst, ask them about it. “I noticed you’ve been needing more space lately, can you help me understand what’s going on?” This shows empathy and openness instead of jumping to conclusions.

At the end of the day, boundaries aren’t a betrayal, they’re an act of love, for both ourselves and the people around us. When we lack self-awareness, we miss that, turning healthy, necessary limits into something they’re not. But when we step back and reflect, we realize that boundaries don’t push people away, they keep relationships safe, sustainable, and thriving.

So next time someone in your life draws a line, remember: they’re not shutting you out. They’re just making sure both of you can keep showing up, healthy, whole, and fully present. The real betrayal? Ignoring the boundary and letting the relationship suffer in silence...