I Want You To Love Me The Most When I Deserve It The Least

Hold my hand the tightest when I’m trying to pull away the most.

It got me thinking...

Why do we crave love the most when we feel we deserve it the least? Why is it so hard to give love in those moments when someone else is at their worst? These questions have lingered in my mind, much like the scent of a favorite perfume that clings to your scarf long after the wearer has left the room. I’ve seen this paradox play out countless times in my clients’ lives, and, if I’m being honest, in my own.

It’s like asking someone to hold an umbrella over you during a storm you created. Messy, inconvenient, and yet, deeply human. But why does this happen? The answer lies in the science of emotional dysregulation. When we’re at our lowest, angry, hurt, or overwhelmed, our brains are often hijacked by the amygdala, the part responsible for fight-or-flight responses. This means our rational, prefrontal cortex (the part that helps us think clearly and make good decisions) is essentially offline. In these moments, we’re not our best selves. We lash out, withdraw, or say things we don’t mean. And yet, it’s precisely in these moments that we need connection the most. Why? Because love and support help regulate our emotions, bringing us back to a state of calm and safety.

It’s like a child throwing a tantrum in the middle of a grocery store. They don’t need punishment or a lecture about public decorum; they need a hug, a soothing voice, and the reassurance that they’re still loved, even when they’re being difficult. Adults, as it turns out, aren’t so different.

Take my client, Helena, for example. She came to me after a fight with her partner, Marco. “I was so mean to him,” she admitted, tears streaming down her face. “I said things I didn’t mean, and now I feel like I’ve ruined everything.” When I asked her what she wanted in that moment, she said, “I wanted him to hold me and tell me it was going to be okay. But instead, he walked away.”

Marco, on the other hand, felt justified in his reaction. “Why should I comfort her when she’s the one who hurt me?” he asked during their joint session. And honestly, I couldn’t blame him. Loving someone when they’re being unkind feels counterintuitive. But here’s the thing: Helena’s outburst wasn’t about Marco. It was about her own fear of abandonment, a wound from her past that flared up in the heat of the moment. What she needed wasn’t punishment, it was compassion.

It’s like trying to put out a fire with gasoline. Responding to someone’s pain with more pain only escalates the situation. But responding with love? That’s how you extinguish the flames.

And maybe, this is what love is really about. Not the grand gestures or the picture-perfect moments, but the ability to show up for someone when they’re at their worst. To say, “I see your pain, and I’m not going anywhere.” It’s not easy, and it’s certainly not fair. But it’s transformative.

Another client, Jeremy, shared a story about his teenage son, who had been acting out at home. “He slammed the door in my face and told me he hated me,” Jeremy said. “My first instinct was to yell back. But instead, I took a deep breath, walked into his room, and said, ‘I know you’re upset, and I’m here when you’re ready to talk.’” Jeremy admitted it was one of the hardest things he’d ever done, but the result was worth it. His son eventually opened up, and their relationship grew stronger because of it.

It’s like planting a seed in rocky soil. It takes patience, effort, and a whole lot of faith. But when it blooms, it’s a reminder that love isn’t about perfection, it’s about persistence.

So, the next time someone you care about is at their worst, ask yourself: Can I love them through this? Can I be the calm in their storm, even when it feels unfair? And if you’re the one who’s struggling, remember this: It’s okay to ask for love, even when you feel unworthy of it. Because love, at its core, isn’t about deserving, it’s about giving. And when we give it freely, without conditions, we create the kind of connection that can weather any storm.