I Don't Make Mistake I Date Them

Red flags are just red lights we speed through, hoping for green.

It got me thinking.

Why is it that some of us can spot a red flag from a mile away, yet still run toward it like it’s a carnival we can’t resist? I don’t make mistakes, I date them. Or at least, that’s what I hear from clients who find themselves three months into a relationship with someone who has more red flags than a clearance sale. It’s like being a moth drawn to the flame of emotional unavailability. And maybe that’s why so many of us end up in the same pattern, dating the same person in a different body, wondering why it always ends the same way.

Take Lisa, for example. She came to therapy after her third breakup in two years, each relationship eerily similar to the last. “I don’t know why I keep picking the wrong guys,” she said, exasperated. “It’s like I have a radar for men who are bad for me.” And she wasn’t wrong, because science tells us that we do, in fact, have a radar. It’s called attachment theory, and it’s the psychological blueprint that shapes how we connect with others. If you grew up with inconsistent love, you might find yourself drawn to people who give you just enough to keep you hooked but never enough to feel secure. It’s not a coincidence, it’s a pattern.

It’s like ordering the same dish at a restaurant, even though you know it gave you food poisoning last time. You tell yourself, “Maybe this time it’ll be different,” but deep down, you know it won’t. And maybe that’s the real mistake: not the person you’re dating, but the belief that you can change the outcome without changing the pattern.

Lisa’s radar wasn’t broken, it was just tuned to the wrong frequency. She wasn’t looking for love; she was looking for familiarity. And familiarity, as comforting as it feels, isn’t always healthy. Our brains are wired to seek out what we know, even if what we know isn’t good for us. It’s why we text the ex we swore we’d never speak to again. It’s why we ignore the green flags and chase the red ones. It’s why we confuse chaos with chemistry.

The science of relationships tells us that we’re not doomed to repeat the same mistakes, we just have to be willing to do the work. For Lisa, that meant taking a hard look at her patterns and asking herself some uncomfortable questions. Why was she drawn to emotionally unavailable men? What was she hoping to prove by winning their love? And most importantly, what would it look like to choose someone who didn’t need fixing?

It wasn’t easy. Breaking a pattern never is. But slowly, Lisa started to see the difference between love and a project. She started to recognize the red flags for what they were; warnings, not challenges. And she started to believe that she deserved more than just “good enough.”

It’s like learning to drive a new route after years of taking the same wrong turn. At first, it feels unfamiliar, even scary. But with time, you realize the new road gets you where you want to go without all the detours and dead ends. And maybe that’s what growth looks like: not a straight line, but a willingness to change direction.

Mistakes in dating aren’t failures, they’re lessons. And lessons, as painful as they can be, are what help us grow. So the next time you find yourself drawn to someone who feels like a mistake waiting to happen, pause. Ask yourself: am I choosing this because it’s what I want, or because it’s what I know? Am I chasing love, or am I chasing a pattern?