Forgiveness Is For You, Not For Them

Letting go isn’t for their peace, it’s for yours.

It got me thinking...

Why is it that forgiveness feels like handing someone a free pass for their bad behavior? I’ve heard it all: “Why should I forgive them? They don’t deserve it.” And maybe they don’t. But here’s the thing; forgiveness isn’t for them, it’s for you. It’s not about letting them off the hook; it’s about setting yourself free. It’s like carrying around a backpack full of rocks, thinking it’s punishing the person who hurt you, when really, it’s just breaking your own back.

Take my client, Michela. She came to me after a bitter breakup, still seething with anger months later. “He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness,” she said, arms crossed. “He cheated, lied, and left me to pick up the pieces.” And she was right; he didn’t deserve it. But as we talked, it became clear that Michela’s refusal to forgive wasn’t hurting him. It was hurting her. She was stuck in a loop of resentment, replaying the betrayal over and over in her mind. Her ex had moved on, but Michela was still carrying the weight of his actions. Forgiveness wasn’t about excusing what he did, it was about lightening her own load.

It’s like locking yourself in a cage and hoping they feel trapped. The anger, the bitterness, the grudge; it doesn’t hurt them. It hurts you. And maybe that’s why forgiveness is so powerful. It’s not about them. It’s about reclaiming your peace.

Then there’s Hugo, who came to me after years of estrangement from his father. “He was never there for me,” Hugo said. “Why should I forgive him now?” Hugo had every right to feel hurt. His father’s absence had left a deep scar. But as we explored his feelings, Hugo realized that holding onto that anger wasn’t changing the past, it was keeping him stuck in it. Forgiving his father didn’t mean forgetting the pain or pretending it didn’t matter. It meant letting go of the grip it had on his life. “I thought forgiveness was for him,” Hugo said later. “But it turns out, it was for me.”

The science of forgiveness backs this up. Studies show that holding onto anger and resentment can increase stress, raise blood pressure, and even weaken your immune system. Forgiveness, on the other hand, has been linked to lower levels of anxiety and depression, better heart health, and improved overall well-being. It’s not about condoning what happened, it’s about choosing your own health and happiness over the weight of the grudge.

So how do we forgive when it feels impossible? It starts with reframing what forgiveness means. It’s not about saying, “What you did was okay.” It’s about saying, “I’m not going to let what you did control me anymore.” It’s about taking back your power, your peace, and your life. And if that feels too big, start small. Forgiveness is a process, not a one-time event. It’s okay to take it one step at a time.

One of my clients, Isabella learned this the hard way. She had been holding onto anger toward a former friend who had betrayed her trust. “I thought forgiving her would mean letting her back into my life,” Isabella said. “But then I realized, forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. It just means I’m done carrying this around.” And when Isabella finally let go, she felt lighter, freer, and more in control of her own happiness.

It’s like unlocking a door you didn’t realize you had the key to. The person on the other side might never walk through it, but that’s not the point. The point is that you can walk out. And maybe that’s the real gift of forgiveness. It’s not about them. It’s about you. So the next time you find yourself clinging to anger, ask yourself: who is this really hurting? Because forgiveness isn’t about letting them off the hook, it’s about letting yourself off the hook. And you deserve that freedom.