Don't Let Getting Lonely Make You Reconnect With Toxic People

You shouldn't drink poison just because you're thirsty.

It got me thinking....

There’s a moment, usually somewhere between finishing a bottle of wine alone on a Friday night and doom-scrolling through old texts, when your brain whispers, "Maybe I should reach out". Suddenly, that toxic ex, that unreliable friend, or that energy-draining family member starts looking…tempting.

It’s like being stranded in the desert, parched, and spotting a bottle of questionable-looking water. You know it might make you sick, but dehydration makes even the worst options seem like salvation.

I see this all the time in therapy. Take Melissa, a client who swore she was done with her on-again, off-again situationship. “I finally blocked him,” she said triumphantly, her shoulders squared like a woman who had just conquered Everest. And for a while, she felt free; no more late-night breadcrumb texts, no more guessing games about where she stood. But then came a quiet Friday night. No plans, no distractions, just her, a glass of wine, and the kind of silence that makes you second-guess every decision. Maybe he wasn’t that bad? she thought. Maybe I overreacted? And just like that, she unblocked him, not because he had changed, not because he deserved another chance, but because she missed the routine of having someone to text. It wasn’t love; it was habit.

Or Jake, who finally cut ties with a childhood friend who had become more of a frenemy over the years. This friend was unreliable, dismissive, and had a knack for making Jake feel like he was too sensitive anytime he voiced his feelings. Walking away felt like taking a deep breath of fresh air, until work stress hit hard. One particularly exhausting day, Jake found himself scrolling through his contacts, pausing at that familiar name. Maybe I’m being too harsh, he reasoned. He knows me better than anyone. Never mind the fact that every interaction left him drained; in that moment, familiarity felt safer than solitude.

Because that’s the thing, when we’re lonely, we don’t always reach for what’s good for us. We reach for what’s familiar, even if that familiarity is toxic. It’s like craving fast food when you’re starving. You know it’s going to make you feel worse in the long run, but the immediate comfort is hard to resist.

Science explains this self-sabotaging urge. Studies show that loneliness triggers the same part of the brain as physical pain, making us crave connection, even if that connection is harmful. The brain, in its infinite wisdom, doesn’t care if it’s good for you. It just wants relief.

And maybe that’s why we romanticize the very people we swore we’d never call again. The brain, like a bad DJ at a wedding, loves playing nostalgia’s greatest hits at the worst possible moments.

But here’s the thing: missing someone doesn’t mean they belong in your life. Just like thirst doesn’t mean you should drink "poison".

So next time you feel that familiar pull toward a toxic past, ask yourself: Am I actually missing them? Or am I just missing the feeling of not being alone? There’s a difference, and knowing it might just save you from another round of heartbreak.