Where We Are Lacking Love Is Where We Are Suffering

What’s love got to do with it? Maybe everything.

It got me thinking...

Do we suffer most where we lack love?

Not just the romantic kind, though that’s its own emotional rollercoaster. But love in the broader sense; self-love, connection, purpose. When there’s a void where love should be, suffering seeps in like a draft through an old window. And yet, we often try to patch the cracks with everything but love.

Science has something to say about this. Studies on attachment theory show that early experiences of love (or lack thereof) shape how we handle stress, relationships, even self-worth. Meanwhile, research on social connection suggests that loneliness is as detrimental to health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. And let’s not forget self-compassion; the missing ingredient for so many of us. Psychologists have found that people who practice self-love are less anxious, more resilient, and, shocker, happier.

I once had a client who was drowning in perfectionism. She berated herself for every mistake, convinced that self-criticism was the only way to improve. But it wasn’t working. She was exhausted, anxious, and stuck. The real issue? A total lack of self-love. It’s like trying to run a marathon on an empty tank; you can push forward, but eventually, you collapse. When she started treating herself with the same kindness she showed others, everything shifted.

Then there was the man who couldn’t let go of an old grudge. His suffering wasn’t about the betrayal itself, but the absence of closure, of understanding.....of love. When he finally made peace with the fact that he didn’t need an apology to move on, he felt lighter. It’s like realizing you don’t need the last piece of the puzzle to admire the whole picture.

So maybe the places we hurt the most aren’t about what happened to us, but about where love went missing. And maybe that’s where we need to start looking.