Accept People as They are but Place Them Where They Belong

I spend roughly 80% of my week listening to smart, chronically exhausted women try to figure out how to fix the unfixable people in their lives. You guys are out here treating your relationships like DIY home renovation projects, convinced that if you just use the right "I feel" statements, you can turn a condemned emotional shack into a luxury condo.

I say this with so much love: please stop. You cannot love someone into having self-awareness. You cannot boundary-phrase your way into making an emotionally stunted person suddenly act like a walking Pinterest quote.

But why do we do this? Why do we keep trying to squeeze blood from an emotional stone?

It’s usually a cocktail of Sunk Cost Fallacy and Intermittent Reinforcement. You’ve invested so much time and "emotional labor" into this person that your brain refuses to walk away without a return on investment. You’re waiting for that one "good day" they had three months ago to become their permanent state. That tiny crumb of change acts like a slot machine; it keeps you pulling the lever even though the house always wins.

Then there’s Projective Identification. You are a fixer, so you project your own capacity for growth onto them. You assume that because you would be devastated to know you hurt someone, they must feel the same way... Spoiler: they don’t! You’re essentially trying to install software on a person who doesn't even have the hardware to run it.

Let’s look at the science for a second. Your brain weighs about three pounds but burns through roughly 20% of your body’s daily energy. When you spend three hours agonizing over how to perfectly word a text to a friend who has the emotional depth of a puddle, you are literally burning metabolic energy that could be used for something useful, like remembering your passwords or enjoying a carb. Neurologically speaking, by the time we hit our thirties, our neural pathways are basically paved in concrete. People can change, but it requires massive, painful internal effort on their part. It does not happen because you sent them a link to a Brené Brown podcast...

So, what is the solution? We practice radical acceptance, paired with aggressive seating arrangements.

You don't have to dramatically cut everyone off, block them on Instagram, and move to the woods. You just have to accept exactly who they are, and then place them where they belong. Think of your life like a wedding reception. Not everyone gets to sit at the head table...

That friend who only calls when her life is on fire and never asks about yours? She doesn't get the 9 PM emergency phone call slot anymore. She gets moved to the "bi-monthly coffee date where I have a hard out after 45 minutes" table.

The coworker who complains about everything but refuses to fix anything? They get the "polite nodding by the office microwave" treatment.

Your hyper-critical family member who treats your life choices like a spectator sport? They get placed in the "surface-level weather updates only" tier. They belong in the nosebleed section of your life, not the VIP lounge.

You are exhausted because you are expecting VIP behavior from people holding general admission tickets. Accept them exactly as they are, flaws, red flags, and all. Just stop giving them the front-door key to your nervous system.

Now go drink a glass of water, take your magnesium and stop trying to fix people who don't think they're broken.

Coco x