We Have Different Worth to Different People

How is it that one person can see your value so clearly, while another misses it completely?

It got me thinking...

It was one of those quiet little adult humiliations. No fight. No dramatic goodbye. No one running through the rain in a trench coat. Just the slow realization that someone you had been treating like a priority was treating you like a tab they forgot was still open.

We have different worth to different people. Not different worth as human beings, obviously. Let’s not free-fall before the third sentence. I mean different worth in the strange little economy of other people’s minds. To one person, you are essential. To another, you are a nice extra. Like seat warmers. Lovely, but not the reason they bought the car. And for some reason, we never take that information normally.

When someone undervalues us, we rarely think, “Ah yes, this person has limited emotional range and the relational capacity of a houseplant.” No. We make it spiritual. We make it personal. We turn it into a full internal TED Talk called “What Is So Wrong With Me?”

Take my client Serena. In her friendships, she is platinum. Thoughtful, funny, warm, the kind of person who remembers your birthday and the emotional significance of the birthday. Her friends adore her. But in dating, she kept choosing men who liked her right up until she became a person. The second she had needs, standards, or a nervous system, she was suddenly “a lot.” She wasn’t too much. She was just emotionally premium in a discount aisle.

Then there was Adam, who is respected at work, loved by his friends, and objectively doing quite well. But one cold comment from his mother could still ruin his whole week. Because some people don’t just want to be valued. They want to be valued by the one person who made them feel like they had to earn air.

Therapy, as always, is incredibly rude about this. The science is rude too. Our brains are built to track rejection like it’s breaking news. So when someone overlooks us, deprioritizes us, or treats us like we are easily replaceable, the nervous system doesn’t say, “Interesting, a mismatch.” It says, “Perfect. We’re trash. Thank you for confirming.” It’s like letting people with terrible taste become art critics of your life.

Maybe that’s why we stay attached to the people who see us least clearly. Familiar disappointment feels weirdly convincing. If you grew up earning love through performance, overfunctioning, or emotional self-erasure, being genuinely valued can feel suspicious. Like a scam. Like there must be a catch. Like surely someone this available is hiding a personality disorder, or at least an ex in the shadows.

But here’s the shift: someone’s inability to value you properly is not a verdict. It’s information.

It tells you about their capacity. Their maturity. Their emotional availability. Their blind spots. It tells you what they can hold and what they can’t. It does not tell you whether you are worthy.

Some people will experience your honesty as depth. Others will call it intensity because they’re allergic to direct communication. Some will cherish your softness. Others will treat it like free labor. Some will meet your love with love. Others will accept it like a complimentary bread basket and still complain about the service.

Same you. Different receiver.

And maybe healing is finally realizing that being mishandled does not mean you are hard to love. It just means someone had your value in the wrong category. The goal is not to convince everyone to see you properly. Exhausting. Undignified. Very bad for the skin.

The goal is to notice where you are deeply valued, where you are merely useful, and where you are being tolerated in a way that should honestly embarrass everyone involved.

Because the right people do not make your humanity feel like an inconvenience. They don’t flinch at your needs, shrink from your depth, or act like loving you is an advanced placement course.

So yes, we have different worth to different people. The trick is not spending your life trying to get luxury treatment from people who only shop in emotional clearance.

Coco x