Manners: The Art of Smiling and Nodding

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a problem with my attitude.

It got me thinking....

Let's talk about manners. You know, that delicate dance we all perform when faced with situations that make us want to scream. It's the art of smiling and nodding when all you really want to do is... well, let's just say, something a tad more expressive.

I can’t help but chuckle when clients sit down and tell me they’ve perfected the art of smiling and nodding through life. You know the look; like they’re holding onto their last nerve with an invisible thread and their teeth are clenching in a way that’s almost professional. They’ve mastered the social art of appearing calm, but underneath, a tiny voice is screaming, "I don't have an attitude problem, you have a problem with my attitude."

And let’s be real, manners are a funny thing. We’re raised to use them, to smile when we’re uncomfortable, to nod when we have no idea what’s going on. But how often do we actually feel like being polite? Not as often as we'd like to admit. Science even tells us that politeness is often a tool for social survival. Studies have shown that we perform "social masking" to avoid conflict, to blend in, or even to protect our emotional well-being. Politeness is like our social armor, designed to shield us from the fallout of saying exactly what’s on our minds.

Let’s talk about Anna. A client of mine, Anna would always nod and smile at her boss during meetings. Everyone thought she was a shining star, but behind that smile, she was seething. Her boss was micromanaging her every move. She didn’t want to be rude, so she held her tongue. But over time, the frustration built. "I don't have an attitude problem, you have a problem with my attitude," she once said to me, barely holding back tears. It wasn’t that she was rude, she just wanted to be seen as competent and independent.

And maybe her attitude wasn’t the problem at all. Maybe it was the situation. The more she smiled and nodded, the more she internalized a sense of powerlessness. Psychologists call this "role conflict"; the mismatch between who you truly are and who you feel you need to be in a given situation. Politeness, when overused, can rob us of our authenticity.

Then there’s Tom, a client who had perfected the “polite” smile during family gatherings. Everyone thought he was the picture of patience, but inside, he was dying to say, “Why do you keep telling me what to do with my life?” Tom had been nodding through years of unsolicited advice from well-meaning relatives. He believed that if he just smiled long enough, it would all go away. Spoiler alert: it didn’t.

The truth is, smiling and nodding can be a survival tactic, but it’s not a long-term solution. The real question is: why do we feel the need to hide our true feelings? In the short run, keeping the peace might seem like the right choice, but in the long run, it can build resentment and emotional fatigue.

So, how do we fix this? First, remember: it’s okay to express your discomfort, as long as you’re doing it in a way that doesn’t escalate conflict. After all, science shows that healthy communication involves assertiveness, not passivity. You can stand your ground without being rude, it’s all about finding that balance.

Manners, in the right dose, can be a beautiful thing. But when you’re so good at smiling and nodding that it feels like your face might crack, it’s time to check in with yourself. What’s really going on behind that polite grin? You don’t need to hold it all in.

It’s not about having an attitude problem. It’s about learning to speak your truth without needing permission.