Mutual Agreements, Over Unmet Expectations

If you do not want to be disappointed, do not expect anything from anyone.

If you do not want to be surprised, expect everything from everyone.

It got me thinking...

We often find ourselves clutching the playbill of expectations, eagerly anticipating a performance that aligns with our script. But what happens when the actors improvise, and the plot takes an unexpected twist? It's like attending a Shakespearean play, only to realize it's been adapted into a modern musical; surprising, perhaps delightful, but not what you had envisioned.

Take my client, Emma, for instance. She meticulously planned her birthday, envisioning a surprise party orchestrated by her partner. When the day arrived with nothing more than a simple dinner, she was crestfallen. Her unspoken expectation had set the stage for disappointment. As the Gottman Institute points out, "In a good enough relationship, people have high expectations for how they’re treated... They expect to be treated with kindness, love, affection, and respect."

Conversely, consider Jacques, who approached relationships with a "laissez-faire attitude", expecting little to avoid disappointment. This detachment led to a series of unfulfilling connections, as his partners felt undervalued. It's like going to a potluck and bringing nothing, only to leave hungry and unsatisfied.

Psychologically speaking, our brains are wired to anticipate outcomes based on past experiences; a phenomenon known as the "assumed similarity bias." This bias can lead us to project our expectations onto others, setting the stage for potential disappointment.

So, how do we navigate this intricate dance between expectations and reality? It's about transforming unspoken hopes into mutual agreements. Open dialogue, clear communication, and setting realistic expectations can turn a potential minefield into a harmonious landscape.

Maybe by aligning our scripts with those of our partners, we can co-author a narrative that's both surprising and satisfying. After all, the beauty of any story lies not just in its plot twists, but in the shared journey of its characters.